Hard day at the office?
Balked by a stubborn computer?
Just need to relax for a minute?

This page is for you!

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Travel Agent Logs
True Police Stories
The Talking Frog
Cute Answering Machine Messages
Bad Day
Bats
Saving the Best
What a Day
The Dog and the Cherokee
The Excuse
The Fried Guy
The Secret of Antigravity
Lawyer Jokes
Rabbit Hunt
Actual Medical Records
Seeing Eye Dog
Surgeon Coffee Break
The Three Wishes
One Liners
Worker Dedication
True Answers from Kids
30 Questions
If Microsoft made movies
What a Way to Go
You can take it with you
The future of programming
Mermaid story
The facts of life

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TRAVEL AGENT LOGS

"That's it!", she said, "I knew it was a big animal!"

A little more investigation work led the officer to the boy's accomplice. Another 10-yr. old boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with sign reading: "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

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THE TALKING FROG

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you
are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire
week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and
returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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CUTE ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

"Hi. Now you say something."

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and
their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and
don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name
and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call."

(in a bored voice) "Heaven, God speaking...."

"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We
know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very
sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.
Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of
YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.
There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further
explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule
of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you."

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BAD DAY

You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .

. . . your twin sister forgets your birthday. . . . you wake up face down
on the pavement. . . .  you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold. . . .
you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office. . . .
your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. . . . your
only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own
business. . . . you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the
party, and there aren't any. . . . you turn on the TV news and they're
displaying emergency routes out of your city. . . . the woman you've
been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. . . . you wake
up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that
you don't have a water bed. . . . your horn goes off accidentally and
remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. .
. . you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR List server saying that
you're no longer funny . . . your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad
news and good news..." . . . you open the paper and find your picture
under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!" . . . your
ex-lover calls and tells you he has 6 days to live, and that you'd better
get the Test . . .  when someone accuses you of faking humor . . . your
lover tells you, "I'm sub-letting another apartment and the movers are
here to move me." . . . you have an appointment in 10 minutes and
you just woke up . . . you need your chocoholic fix and the
government just banned chocolate!

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BATS

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble
with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise,
spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away.

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since" !!!

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SAVING THE BEST

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere
above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot,
Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an
oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and
the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door
opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.

"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad
news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is
that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that,
the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen", he said, "I am
the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think
the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these
words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled
through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man.
The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should
have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali
Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have
known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of
you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack!"

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WHAT A DAY

If you think you have had a bad day, listen to this story:

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in
the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the
motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man,
still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door
and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying
next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone
and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to
her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the
husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and
pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife
obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the
towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come
home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and
the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went
into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After
finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet
bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her
husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and
he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his
groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and
began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the
stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics
asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them
and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the
stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining
steps and broke his ankle.

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THE DOG AND THE CHEROKEE

A guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets hold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They want to go duck hunting, but at this time of year all of the lakes are frozen.

They go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer, and of course, the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice and get ready. They want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in
order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.

They don't take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they try to run from the burning fuse and take a chance on
going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite, and that's what they end up doing.

Remember the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used to retrieving things, especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a full tilt across the ice and gets to the stick of dynamite just a couple of seconds after it hits the ice. He picks it up and starts to return it to the guys, and can't figure out why they're stomping, yelling, and waving their arms. But, after all, they're humans, so the dog isn't too worried.

Happily performing his doggy duty, Fido bounces toward his master with the sizzling stick of dynamite, when one of the guys starts to think, something that he has never done before this moment. He grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. The dog stops for a moment, stung and bewildered, and then starts forward again.

Another shot rings out and this time the dog, shaken but still standing, becomes really alarmed. Thinking his masters have gone insane, he takes off to find cover, with the now really short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite.

So where does the dog hide? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee, of course.

BOOM !

The dog caught the train to Puppy Heaven, and the brand new Grand Cherokee,  complete with $30,000 and $400+ monthly payment, burns and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the dummies standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle tells his insurance company what happened, and the insurance company tells him that - big surprise - sinking a vehicle in a lake by an illegal use of explosives is not covered. (He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month
payments.)

It still doesn't seem like adequate payback for what they did to that dog, though.

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THE EXCUSE

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving
above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in
his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it
and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70,
80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the
guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He
leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I
just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The
man though for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran
off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view
mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her
back to me!"

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THE FRIED GUY

We have many transmission lines that crisscross the state. These are
held up by Transmission Towers of different construction. Near most
urban areas these are normally "metal Ornamental Towers" (they are
supposed to be prettier than wood towers).

Sometimes we have folks who feel it would be nice to climb these
towers and enjoy the night air. Most enjoy their view, stay away from
the wires, and when they get bored, come back down. Well this is a
story of a fella who was a little despondent over a recent fight with a
girlfriend and decided he needed a little fresh air to clear his head.

He proceeded to climb a tower south of Hartford, Connecticut next to
I-91. Before he got to his tower though, he decided to stop for a
6-pack to help clear his thoughts.

Here our "Darwin Award winner-to-be" sits 60 feet above the highway,
drinking his beer, consoling his bruised ego. Our friend had 5 beers
when he decided he needed the services of a men's room. It being of
such a long hike down, he unzips and decides to do his business right
there off the tower. Now, electricity is a funny thing. You don't need
to touch a wire in order to get shocked. On these 15,000 volt lines
depending on the conditions, you could be as far away as six feet and
still get shocked.

Well, our friend proceeded to "do his thing" near the conductor (wire)
when the power arcs to him (salt water is an excellent conductor of
electricity) and blows him off the tower.

The utility company had a momentary outage on this line and sent
workmen to see if there was any damage. When the guys get to the
scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down,
what was left of him smoking, and a single beer left high on top of
the tower.

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THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor
butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and
towering place, it will land on its feet. But what if you attach a
buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a cat's back and toss them
both out the window? Will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter
splat on the ground?

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand
that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of
feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you
have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when
released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting
and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be
modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing
some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle
to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud
humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of
several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats
will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using
the aforementioned anti-gravity device.

One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended
animation (say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread
strapped to their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due
to tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once
the cats are all held in stasis?

I offer a modest proposal:

We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a
guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside of
your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically around
the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato sauce out in
proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship, drawn by the
shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you use t-shirts, you
won't go as fast as you would by using, say, expensive dress shirts.
This does not work as well in deep gravity wells, since the tomato
sauce (now falling down a black hole, perhaps) will drag the ship with
it, despite the counter force of the anti-gravity cat/butter machine.
Your only hope at that point is to jettison enormous quantities of
Tide. This will create the well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

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LAWYER JOKES

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer
said, "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I
owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for
everything."

"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my
house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my
insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?",
he asked.

******

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who
among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions
represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God
took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first
surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and
earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer.
Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think
created all of the chaos and confusion?"

******

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can
arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income
five- fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you;
you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a
hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's
souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and replied "What's the catch?"

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RABBIT HUNT

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give
them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has
to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a
rabbit!"

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ACTUAL MEDICAL RECORDS

A COLLECTIVE FROM ACTUAL MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS
WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM
RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT
MAJOR HOSPITALS.

- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to
the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

- The skin was moist and dry.

- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
1989 when she got a divorce.

- Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.

- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

- While in the emergency room she was examined, X-rated, and sent
home.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

- Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
family in no distress.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job
as a stockbroker instead.

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SEEING EYE DOG

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a
Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to
eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pinscher
puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the
door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck" so he puts on a
pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a
Chihuahua?"

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SURGEONS TAKING A COFFEE BREAK

1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside
them is in alphabetical order."

3rd responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color
coded."

4th intercedes: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless
and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

The 5th surgeon says: "I like engineers... they always understand
when you have a few parts left over at the end."

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THE THREE WISHES

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating
how badly treated she was with her divorce settlement, when she
spies a magic lamp washed up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices
her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the
genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her
that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her
ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she
makes her first wish. The first wish is for a billion dollars. The genie
grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion
one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now
the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second
wish. The second wish is for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her
own private beach. In an instant it is granted, but the genie then
reminds her that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished
for, and points down the beach to a small development of ten
mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last
wish. Just as the genie is about to give up on her, the woman informs
the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can
do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten
times what she wishes for. No problem, said the woman as she
grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish... "I'd like to give birth to twins".

(back to top)

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ONE LINERS

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don't
have to experience it

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours
are lost.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse
every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Make failure your teacher, not your undertaker.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I am an escapee of a political correction facility.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever

I believe in youthenasia

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Not afraid of heights -- afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.

If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.

(back to top)

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WORKER DEDICATION

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
beverage and he watched a couple of men working along the
roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then
move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet
behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the
soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the
man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road
toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on
here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not
accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney
and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts
the dirt back.

"Now, just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me
can't work."

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TRUE ANSWERS FROM KIDS

Q. WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
A."Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
(Judy, age 8)
A."Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
(Tom, age 5)

Q.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
A."On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date."(Mike, age 10)

Q.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
A."You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of
the wedding." (Jim, age 10)
A."Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, age 9)

Q.THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR
MARRIED??
A."It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, age 9)
A."It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I
don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

Q.CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO
PARTICULAR PEOPLE
A."No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, age 9)
A."I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but
the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

Q.ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
A."Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
A."If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

Q.ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS AND LOVE
A."If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne,8)
A."It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary,7)
A."Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
(Christine, 9)

Q. CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
A."They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them." (Dave, age 8)

Q.CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
A."I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
A."Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me." (Bobby, 8)
A."I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough." (Regina, age 10)

Q.THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD
LOVER
A."One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if
you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

Q.SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE
WITH YOU
A."Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
A."Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
A."One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A
RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
A."Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love." (John, 9)
A."Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.
Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
A."It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. they
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."
(Christine, 9)

Q. WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I
LOVE YOU"
A."The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

Q.HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
A."You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the
best of you." (Doug, 7)
A."It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

Q.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
A."It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

Q. HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
A. "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

A."Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger,
8)
A."Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never
take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

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30 QUESTIONS TO KNOW IF TECHNOLOGY
HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR LIFE

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address
book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two
on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the
breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you
have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is*
letterhead.

2. You would rather have a .txt, .doc, .jpg, .htm, .bmp, .wpd, .pcx,
.pdf, .wri, .exe, .wav, .mid, .eps, .tif, or .gif file -- rather than a hard
copy of anything.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers
with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on
asalesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him
and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers'
questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say
the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you
mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have
to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your
own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice
number", since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house
are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke
symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store
and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the
pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the
exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to
your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell
you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and
demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive
more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter
and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at
least one device on your body beep or buzz.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know
where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure
enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology
question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your
automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster
you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good,
that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never
get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on
the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people
face-to-face.

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IF MICROSOFT MADE MOVIES

You wouldn't be able to eat popcorn, drink a coke and watch
the movie at the same time.

If the popper was popping corn, and they were selling a candy
bar, the movie would pause.

They would announce that the next versions of the movie
would enable color blind people to watch in color, and the deaf
to hear it.

The film would break every 15 minutes and in the most
important parts.

They would announce new breakthroughs in movie technology
- color and sound - forgetting that most other movies have had
these for years.

Every new movie would require a new projector.

The projector would claim to take 32mm in film size, but in
reality it would only show 16mm magnified to make it look like
32mm.

They would claim to have invented comedies.

They would promise you an action/adventure flick starring
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandra Bullock, but it would be 3
years late and end up being a sappy love story with Jim Carey
and Madonna.

Their projectors must have reset buttons, requiring you to start
the movie over and over to have any hope of seeing the entire
film.

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WHAT A WAY TO GO

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell
the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've
been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible
deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch
her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where
this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the
balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing,
25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating
on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall
off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and
starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that
for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell
into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I
ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge
where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and
anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about
heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because
I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very
long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for
sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held
on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a
hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all
right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this
refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly,
and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole
process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked
for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a
refrigerator..."

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YOU CAN TAKE IT WITH YOU

An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney.

"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.

A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."

As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."

The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"

The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?" "I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!"

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THE FUTURE OF PROGRAMMING

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing round
the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says
to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please." The shopkeeper nods,
goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He
fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5000".
The customer pays and walks out with his monkey... Startled, the tourist
goes over to the shopkeeper. "That was a very expensive monkey - most of
them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well
worth the money." The tourist looks at the monkeys in that cage. "That
one's even more expensive - $10,000 dollars! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object oriented programming,
Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff." The tourist
looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its
own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000. He gasps to the
shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together!
What on earth does it do?"

"Well, I don't know if it does anything, but it says it's a consultant."

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MERMAID STORY

And he became a woman.

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THE FACTS OF LIFE

• Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
• There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
• Don't worry about the world ending today ... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia - - then start worrying)
• Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
• Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
• Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
• A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work..
• A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
• There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
• If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
• A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:    1 - Women, and 2 - Fractions.

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END OF JOKE PAGE, NEW JOKES ADDED OFTEN . . .